ROY: CLUELESS DIARIES

(2 stars) Question: How is the film? Answer: Slow. Question: If it’s a romantic thriller, how can it be slow? Answer: It tries to be romantic and it tries to be mysterious. Actually, it tries really hard. Then it becomes a trying experience to figure out what it’s trying to say. Question: How is Ranbir Kapoor? Answer: He is there but not there. Question: Is it a guest appearance? Answer: No. It’s been credited as a “dynamic appearance”. Question: Meaning? Answer: He is there throughout but not really there. Question: Why did he do the film? Answer: Because the writer and director, Vikramjit Singh, is his childhood friend. Question: What’s Roy about? Answer: A filmmaker, Kabir (Arjun Rampal) announces his third film, “Gun part 3”, inspired by a real, faceless thief who is never caught (Ranbir). The only hitch is that Kabir doesn’t have a story or a script. So he wears a hat, sits at his old world typewriter, wipes a fish bowl, pets his dog every night and waits for inspiration to strike. One day, he sets his eyes on Ayesha (Jacqueline Fernandez) at a swimming pool in a swanky hotel in Malaysia. Kabir has finally got his muse. But Ayesha is not so amused. Question: And Roy? Answer: Oh, at first, he is seen as a thief hiding in the bushes. Then he is seen romancing Ayesha who looks both hot and mysterious in a bright red lipstick. Then he disappears. Then he is totally forgotten until he reappears. I guess that’s what “dynamic appearance” means. Question: Ayesha falls in love with a thief instead of the sexy Kabir? Answer: Oh, that’s not Ayesha. That’s her look alike, a very close lookalike actress inspired by Ayesha. She is Tia. Question: So it’s the story of Ranbir and Tia? Answer: No, Tia is inspired by Ayesha in Kabir’s life. Question: So is it Kabir’s story? Answer: Yes. Question: How is he? Answer: He looks sexy in the swimming pool but ridiculous in a hat in front of the typewriter. Question: How is his acting? Answer: His looks are distr-acting. Question: How is Jacqueline as Ayesha? Answer: She looks hot too. She even breaks into a ballet on the beach. Very graceful. Don’t ask about her acting. She is not here for that, anyway. Question: Is she a dancer? Answer: No she is a small time filmmaker whose film “Malay Diaries” wins an award at a film festival. But she tells Kabir that she always wanted to do ballet. Question: So what happens to the thief? Answer: What thief? Oh, Roy flits from playing the character in Kabir’s film to himself. He steals paintings in the film as well as within the film. When the two merge, is anybody’s guess. The idea of the two ‘Roys’ was interesting but it ends up about two Jacquelines: one who feeds horses and the other who has a tattoo on the neck. Question: So is the film about both Kabir and Roy? Answer: I don’t know really. In the film the characters keep saying, “ sawaal ek hi rehte hain. Bas,jawab badalte rehte hain.” That sounded like a good line but am not sure what they were asking each other. Pretty much like the questions here. They would also talk in the same manner. Every single dialogue was preceded by long thoughtful pauses; as if they were about to say something deep. Question: Do they? Answer: There are some good lines. Spoken by good-looking people in stunningly shot locales. Only, no one knows why they are doing whatever they are doing. Question: If everyone was so clueless, how did they do the film? Answer: Even the filmmaker in the film doesn’t know. At one point Kabir’s colleague, Shernaz Patel says, ”Thank God it’s over.”And Kabir replies, ”yeh film ban kaise gayi?” Now, if only one could have an answer to that. (The writer tries to make peace with her own filmmaking nightmares, of being a scriptwriter, actor and assisting film icons by moonlighting as a film journalist.http://gayatrigauri.blogspot.in)